Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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