Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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