party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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