This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
