Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize