two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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