so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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