My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
