remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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