I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
