im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
