The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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