After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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