Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
