you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
