He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
