We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize