I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize