btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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