Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
