imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
pop tarts are not kleenex
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize