my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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