He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
