you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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