Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
