It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
