I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
