remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The uberlube is also flammable
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
