There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
