I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
