Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize