you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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