it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You've changed since you got that strap on
I did not marry a roomba.
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