I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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