You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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