The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
