I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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