i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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