when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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