My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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