turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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