My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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