i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize