The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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