He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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