Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
