I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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