Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
