dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize