He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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