those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
