he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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