i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
