When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize