The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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