god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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