if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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